reactions

I am actually currently facing another sleepless night of reports and outlines and study. But I really really need to write this down. Just to order my thoughts, I suppose. Don't mind me. This is nothing important. I just want some 'me' time. I'll start work at 2230. I don't get it. I spend so much time awake, so much time in front of the screen, so much time thinking about my assignments, but I manage to get nothing done until the dawn before the very day it's due. It's like my life lately is just an endless loop of trying to catch up with deadlines. And missing some.

People react to cathartic experiences differently.

I still can't believe she's gone. Was never really close to her. Too different from each other. But they say I have her eyes. Always felt slightly insulted about that. But now.. they seem like the one thing that reminds the world that she was here. It was weird looking at her through a glass screen. Like some exhibit. I felt like beating up the guy who nailed down the lid. Oh god I don't want her to go. I don't want her to go. I threw dirt onto her coffin. I didn't want to. I wanted to climb in and shake her awake and take care of her like I never did when she was alive. Like I never did when she was alive. She can't be gone. I don't know. I still think she's here. But no she's not. She's with my grandpa, the one I never knew. I wish I spoke hokkien better.

I still can't believe I'm going to Brown. I don't understand why they would want someone as unremarkable as me. Brown. Me. Brown. Me. I don't deserve you, Brown. You have Olympic skiers and band leaders. What am I to you? I have a feeling that this is all just a dream.

Grandma dies, granddaughter gets into a school people dream of. On April Fool's Day. I feel there is a profoundly poignant and painfully ironic meaning somewhere in there.

But it feels like it's happening to someone else.