what would you give

to get your pillow back?

describing feelings

how do you describe this feeling?

when you're tucked in snug among mounds and mounds of softness 

in a room so cold your fingers turn purple as you type

to the great great music circling your sphere

wrapping up a great conversation with an amazing friend

as warm drowsiness creeps up to your eyelids

and you have a mad desire to stretch and purr

and yawn

then you sneeze

and hiccupped

at the same time

laughing between your hiccups

you realize

you want someone to share this with

and you realize

you don't have anyone

but yourself

emo post. don't say i ruined your mood. the title is my warning.

*looks at desolate desert of MSN*

*looks at desolate desert of room*

sigh...

for some reason, i can't feel the New Year spirit this year. everything feels so stretched. so forced. so mechanical. i see the festivities around me. i see the brilliant splashes of red. i hear the crunch of peanuts. i feel the synthetic smooth of angpaus. but i don't feel like i seen the real red. the real crunch. the real smooth. everything feels like a forgery.

the shandy tastes just the same. but my mind is screaming that it's less fizzy. the lemon taste is flat. the bitter beer aftertaste hits slower and tastes less bitter. gosh, it's the same, stupid. stop ruining cny. i want to be happy. the whole world wants to be happy.

i've been pretending to be happy for an entire day now. it sucks. but better to suck for me than to suck for everyone who comes into contact with me, right? right. doesn't stop it sucking though. i just hope i pretended well enough. i think i got away with it. i don't like emo-ing to people because i hate it when people try to cheer me up. they always fail.

so i emo here.

why must i feel so antisocial now? it is bloody cny! no social, no angpau! gah. i'll just pretend i have a sore throat, give them a dazzling smile and farm the angpaus. that will be perfect. not. it kills the cny spirit. dammit. damn antisocial feeling. damn sociopathic tendencies. for once, i wish i can be mindlessly happy.

i need a drink.

forget that. i need to get drunk.

:(

if you are one of my friends who confronts me after reading this post to ask me why the hell i pretend to be happy when i am so emo, it's because you were so happy. happy-ing with you was my escape.

having fun with culture

I have this subject called Speech Communication, and I am currently working on an assignment. An Introductory Speech on Culture. In my lecturer's own words: "Chinese do Chinese, Malay do Malay." Yes, feel free to snigger at all the wrong wrong ways you can interpret this. I know I did ;)

So I had this brainwave to pretend I'm Korean and start talking about the hanbok or something. Just to see how many of my classmates fall for this. Mess around, have fun, make people squint at me to pick up any resemblance to some Korean actress they know (when it should be the Korean actors they should be thinking of), make the lecturer quiz me about my 'Korean' granpaw, spin crazy Winter Sonata-worthy tales, etc etc.

Then I start thinking about my grades. My lecturer won't be very happy if she knows I'm lying. Bugger confirmed this - he has classes with her too. Oh well. A beautiful plan scrapped. Dammit.

So. Plan B. Now I shall talk about Hokkien, which is definitely one of the few ways I am very 'cultured' in. And I just thought of a way to have fun :D

Who wants to bet I can say cheebye without getting into trouble? And lanjiao. And tulan. What else?

[update: did not get boo-ed, did not get shoes thrown at, did not get thrown out of INTEC. and yes, paraded cheebye, lanjiao, and mak ee poh eh char boh kia (thanks eejane!) in front of class :D]

memphis is

not as great as Austin. Which is putting it mildly, of course. I still can't get used to the utter lameness of the jokes my new classmates can spew. Well, not all of them, but definitely one of them. He's one of those people you hate immediately. Sorry asshole doesn't even know his jokes are freakin lame. He's the only one laughing when he cracks his 'jokes'. I swear I looked around. One thing I find ironic is that he was the first one to protest when Quraish suggested we should ban dumb jokes from our presentations. Said we wouldn't know if they were dumb or not. Well, Mister Lame Sense of Humour, I got news for you: Listen and Fucking Learn. Until you develop at least a rudimentary sense of humour, I shall not deign to even speak to you.

And my class rep is useless. Late, lazy, disorganized, inconsiderate, demanding. He makes his friends go do the work for him. I thought class reps do the work themselves. Blind jerk doesn't see his classmates waiting outside the classroom every morning cuz the door is locked, so he strolls in with the key at 8.01. I told him to ask for a duplicate key, fella says he would still need the card. Fucking duplicate the card, then?! Kestupidan yang tidak terkata. Feel like, in Chan's words but in a different situation, "rubbing his face against the wall until it bleeeeeeeeds". I miss KayJay :(

Believe it or not, the girl sitting next to me said I was quiet. Well of course I'm quiet. What am I supposed to do when confronted with people who're so bloody 'correct'? Groan, roll my eyes and start talking about how homosexuality can actually bring about intellectually challenging conversations? What am I supposed to do when someone comes up front and says Tun Mahathir is a "great leader" because he "ruled fairly and peacefully"? Hit the table and beg you to read news online? Not yet, not yet.

Gah. Just my luck for getting stuck with Manufactured Malaysians. Everything the education system wants. Nothing more. I just hope they evolve a bit. There is more to life than trying not to offend anyone. You offend me when you do that. So start offending.

A quick comment on lecturers. No names, but nicknames like Disgruntled Old Woman, DeadFish and DumbAss should tell the story already ;)

I better be careful. I might not come out of Memphis the same person. I refuse to be an unfunny politically correct unimaginative asshole.

I shall strive to preserve suiyingness.

*insert appropriate emoticon*

updates and a new year!

Yes.

It is now officially 2009 for me.

:D

Thank you to all my dear friends who helped me out. You know who you are! Owe you a million! Or about $200,000 if i get into anywhere :P

***

Hope indeed springs eternal.

Do you know what pushed me through the murky depths of applying?

It wasn't the status. It wasn't the money. It wasn't the fun. It wasn't because you encouraged me (sorry, but that's how it is).

It was because I know that it was a symbolic fight for me.

A fight to preserve Hope.

A fight FOR Hope.

Giving up on apps would mean acknowledging that I have become so cynical, so clinically logical, that I would not even try. I do not want to be that. Yet. So I apply.

And I Hope.

But I do not Expect.

It's amazing how much meaning I can attach to mundane things. If I'm not careful, I'll probably start tearing up at a jar of jam or something.

***

Yes this post is incredibly random. Forgive my uncreative, internet-starved, boring, ranting, cynical ass. I am trying to present as complete a picture of my life as I can to my dear friends Jane, Ng, and Yan. While trying not to gag at the thought of what I just had for lunch.

***

Am back in INTEC / Akasia for about 3 weeks before I head back to Taiping for CNY. Annual CNY reunion very much hoped for. Let us barge into Pn Soo and Mrs Ng's house again :D And my dear brothers (if you two ever read), too bad there ain't no sister to decorate the house this year, eh? About time you people learn how to arrange Mandarin oranges fetchingly.

***

Akasia: 

Same room. Same housemates. The other two somehow managed to squeeze their study tables into the bedroom. Like, wow. You people don't need space to move, huh? You like small cramped spaces, yes? Don't get me wrong, I don't resent them for doing so. I'm just slightly incredulous. And slightly disappointed they didn't volunteer to help cramp up their room a bit more by storing my boxes and books :D

Oh, and all 4 of us are sharing for wifi. Screw Akasia's Hotgate Enterprise. Initial cost is definitely pricey, but monthly payments are way less. Plus, speed is like, ten times faster. And, I can download stuff. And MSN doesn't go bust every 5 minutes. If you are an Akasian, and you are using Hotgate, I have something for you.

*evil laughter*

Password protected, so no leeching my bandwidth! I paid good money for this, and I am not going to miss an opportunity to gloat!

***

To Austinians:

YES I am going to rant about my new class. Later. In another post. Because this one is too long already, and because I rant better at night. And because I need to cook dinner.

***

End of damn random post.

just telling

in 24 hours, i will be on my way back to shah alam. so this blog will probably die until i get my wireless set up. and knowing how things work, that will probably take a month or two.

oh gosh i'm so tired.

i officially declare it is still 2008. for me. the new year has not begun. my new year starts the moment i submit my last application. until then, it is still 2008. i can stop time. and i will.

oh god i haven't even packed yet. and my things are everywhere! argh i need to sleep.

goodbye people. this will be my last post for 2008.

i don't know when is my first post for 2009.

god i have so much to tell.

but never mind. you wouldn't care much anyway.

suiying signing out for 2008.

goodbye, people.