a rather more rational update

Okay, dear friends. Especially friends >2 years old. I know it's rather hard to talk to me for very long before I bathe / go have lunch / dinner / watch movie / study / sleep / peel apples. And I know some of you are back from matriculation. And want to know when I'm back in Taiping. Okay. So here are my plans:

April24: 1630 bus back to Taiping.

April25: Buy essential stuff for BTN.

April26: Bus back to Shah Alam.

Stupid, I know. But I kinda miss my family. Anyway, I don't think I have time to go lepak and minum lah. Lots of stupid things to buy. And I have to talk to my family so that they remember who I am before I went to BTN camp. Now, everytime I mention September to my mum, she'll sigh this very heart-wrenching sigh and ask me to shut up :( dia tidak sanggup melepaskanku.

Oh, what is BTN? Butt Transfer Negotiations. Haha. No lah. Biro TataNegara camp. Compulsory for JPA people before leaving Malaysia. Heard it's a bit like National Service, only that it lasts 5 days. There goes my one week holiday. I'm a bit worried about the physical part of the camp. I suspect my physique has atrophied since the last time I exerted myself. Which was.... uh... last year in the CRC Taiping swimming pool. Yeah. So. If they want to make me run 2.5 km... They better have something worth running for at the finish line.

yes. let's fail calculus.

Mister Riemann,

How would you like to suck my balls.

Monsieur l'Hopital, 

You're okay.

Let's see...

Who else.. who else...

Ah.

Screw you guys,

I'm going home.

{South Park saturation. Forgive me.}

bleeding lips

I can't help but draw parallels.

They say it's a sign of insecurity, biting your lips. I do that. 

The last time my lips bled, was the first time I moved away from home

to here.

They bled and bled.

Mellow salt-tinged metal taste taking the edge off the fear.

Now, I don't know why, 

they're bleeding again.

Funny.

This time the blood didn't go unnoticed.

The last time, no one even looked.

cleaning up for four

amy + suiying + J + EY = my room

today, amy + suiying cleaned the 4-person room.

this actually started out as a damn long trademark suiying post, but due to self-censorship, it disintegrated into this.

my apologies to faithful readers. it was a rather entertaining post.

i do hope you sense 'an undercurrent of suppressed frustration' or something.

i need a whiteboard marker.

reactions

I am actually currently facing another sleepless night of reports and outlines and study. But I really really need to write this down. Just to order my thoughts, I suppose. Don't mind me. This is nothing important. I just want some 'me' time. I'll start work at 2230. I don't get it. I spend so much time awake, so much time in front of the screen, so much time thinking about my assignments, but I manage to get nothing done until the dawn before the very day it's due. It's like my life lately is just an endless loop of trying to catch up with deadlines. And missing some.

People react to cathartic experiences differently.

I still can't believe she's gone. Was never really close to her. Too different from each other. But they say I have her eyes. Always felt slightly insulted about that. But now.. they seem like the one thing that reminds the world that she was here. It was weird looking at her through a glass screen. Like some exhibit. I felt like beating up the guy who nailed down the lid. Oh god I don't want her to go. I don't want her to go. I threw dirt onto her coffin. I didn't want to. I wanted to climb in and shake her awake and take care of her like I never did when she was alive. Like I never did when she was alive. She can't be gone. I don't know. I still think she's here. But no she's not. She's with my grandpa, the one I never knew. I wish I spoke hokkien better.

I still can't believe I'm going to Brown. I don't understand why they would want someone as unremarkable as me. Brown. Me. Brown. Me. I don't deserve you, Brown. You have Olympic skiers and band leaders. What am I to you? I have a feeling that this is all just a dream.

Grandma dies, granddaughter gets into a school people dream of. On April Fool's Day. I feel there is a profoundly poignant and painfully ironic meaning somewhere in there.

But it feels like it's happening to someone else.