ennui

Am I losing my sense of humour? Funny things don't seem blog-worthy anymore, all of a sudden.

As it is, I am thoroughly sick of life. My life lah. Calculus, Chemistry, Physics, Calculus, Chemistry, Physics. Perpetually perpetuated. A cycle a cycle. Of course, I entertain myself. I'm playing Sims 3 and Plants Vs Zombies and Spore. I'm reading Madame Bovary and The Trial simultaneously. I'm listening to Tchaikovsky.

And yet, and yet.

The evasion of boredom engenders a great awareness of boredom which engenders a greater sensitivity to boredom which in turn engenders boredom itself.

Yet, is it boredom? Maybe it is merely a long-held revulsion to routine resurfacing for some air. Maybe it is Brown? The kind of feeling when you feel like you're glimpsing parallel realities. You feel like you don't belong, like part of you went off on its own journey, its own destiny and you know you're missing it? Yet I think not. My life is, amazingly enough, little affected by this Brown thing.

A friend has a very simplistic solution.

You need a boyfriend.

Amusing. To talk to? I talked about this already. Didn't work. To care for? I am too lazy. To belong to? I need no owner. Since friends didn't work, I don't think I need a boyfriend. What differentiates a friend and a boyfriend anyway? The 'boy', that's what. The only difference between a friend and a boyfriend is the sex.

I need sex?

Huh.

The Penn-State guy once tried to explain the concept of 'coupling' to me. Sounds too romantic to me. Real deals don't work like that. You get that endorphin rush because you are attracted to your partner because your body is telling you to go mate. If not, there will be no chemicals and therefore, no chemistry. What, you'd date someone you won't mate with? I'd like to know why.

Ennui.

The world can go die and I can't care.

updated notification

No wonder people have been coming up to me asking. Rupa-rupanya people do read this blog.

I am not flying this year.

JPA won't let me even after I appealed and appealed again. Plan now is to go back to INTEC, do my ACTP and apply again. Not much of a plan, but I can't seem to think of a better one right now. Unless I can like, hang a banner the size of Petronas Twin Towers saying

SEND SUIYING TO BROWN!

and hope for an anonymous donor.

Yes, I am bummed, yes I have a few words to say about JPA, yes I prefer Brown to INTEC. I am 'The Girl Who Didn't Go To Brown'. I just missed the chance of a lifetime. I just missed SexPowerGod. Yes.

But I emo finish already wor. How? Move on lor.

To those who think I'm depressed, I suggest you talk to me :) Else, if you're cool with this, I just want to multitask and tell you that I plan to lock this blog and move to Wordpress because I like the controls better. Url to be announced when I have had a halfway decent cup of coffee.

Feels weird being the only academically challenged person to get into Brown.

mcFlurry

I just realized I can't remember the last time I had one.

:O

notifications. because i have too many posts titled 'update'.

I might not be going to Brown after all. Remember JPA said I have to get admitted into one of the listed universities AND score > 3.5?

Guess what.

Yeah.

Of all the almost-impossible things to do, I managed to do this. 0.12 short and an Ivy League education hangs in the balance. No one to blame but myself, letting a personal crisis affect my grades like that. Wonder why Brown wants a delinquent like me.

I sent my appeal to JPA already so.. fingers crossed :)

Pending their decision, I will be returning to INTEC for Fall (and Calculus 2). On one hand, I get to see familiar faces again. On the other, I might not be going to Brown. So don't feel hurt if I don't scream with joy and bear-hug you, alright? And don't get all mushy and sympathetic when you see me, okay? Just.. cross your fingers with me every now and then.

Bussing back this Sunday and will be wandering rather lostly around INTEC looking for Indiana on Monday even though I should be going to Providence. I don't know who goes there and I missed 3 days of class already. So yes, I am rather screwed. Who knows, I may land right smack into the first Calculus 2 quiz? In case you missed my hints, I am now blatantly asking you knowledgable people about classes in INTEC, specifically the identities of the inhabitants of Indiana (Indians?).

Alright, since the notifications are done, let's move on to more 'suiying' concerns. The thought of explaining my current situation to people rather sickens me because, hey, who likes talking about not going to Brown, right? Especially when you're so close. But if you're a friend, I won't mind because your reactions are sure to be interesting. Someone suggested I hang a card around my neck and point when directed questions on my presence in INTEC. Another suggested 'business cards'. But I have no illusions about my popularity so I won't bother :)

There. So much for notification. Don't pop your eyeballs when you see me at INTEC.

And Amy, I love you. <3<3<3

needles

I had to get my blood tested for stuff lately, so of course I have stories to tell. My doctor took a sample yesterday for Hepatitis A. He tapped my right forearm a bit while I tried to warn him that getting blood from me is nasty business. He laughed, tied elastic around my arm, told me to clench my fist, dabbed alcohol and pulled the suckers out while talking to my aunt. Yeah, he got style. Seeing the vial filled with my blood, knowing they came from only one poke, my brain was screaming "First bloood! Firsst blooodddd!!". I was proud.

Then today I went back for my Hep A shot (because tests showed I wasn't immune) and for another sample-taking. So there I was feeling so confident that it's going to be as effortless as yesterday. Siap clench fist already some more. My doctor tried to get the needle into the same vein yesterday but when he pulled, nothing came out.

The following words in blue are purely mental. Physically, I nodded and grimaced.

O Sht.

Hmmm. The vein's sealed already.

*taps left arm*

*taps right arm*

Hmmm..

*wills vein to unseal*

*squints at right hand*

O no. Not the hand veins.

*taps back of right hand*

Nurse, give me a butterfly please.

O sht.

Now, this is a butterfly syringe. It is used when taking blood from the hand, especially with people like you, who don't seem to have any veins *chuckles*

Hand more pain receptors than arm. Sht.

Okay, don't move.

Sht!

*inserts needle*

*feels lifeblood draining rapidly*

Hmm. The blood is barely flowing today.

Wtf?

*talks about random stuff with aunt*

*tries not to pass out*

*continues trying not to pass out*

Okay. That should be just enough.

*feels pulling sensation*

*opens eyes*

*sees needle sticking out of hand*

*tries not to pass out*

Biologically, I suppose this happened: Body interprets needle as threat. Blood vessels contract. Body prioritizes. Bloodflow to important organs increase, resulting in decreased bloodflow to extremities. Or something. Correct me if I'm wrong. This stupidly mild case of trypanophobia is frustrating. It's mild, so you'll just have to grit your teeth and take it. But it's there, so you WILL have to grit your teeth when you take it. I honestly was close to passing out. It's the butterfly syringe. It freaks me out.

The thing about syringes is, they don't react to anything. They don't cringe when you swear at them. They don't cower when you stare at them. They don't run when you thrust a burning torch at them. They don't die. They don't dream. They don't want.

They just glint.

They glint in this disturbingly smug way, knowing that you will have to meet them "for your own good". They know they won't kill you, but they know they can. They know they can plunge right into your body and plunge right out, leaving just this circular round mark no one notices. They know they are a necessity. They know you would let them in without a struggle, fighting your primordial instinct to repel sharp foreign objects. They know you know they will break and splinter into your bloodstream if you so much as take a swipe at them.

So they just glint.

Okay. Now for your Hep A shot.

Sht.