the science of swearing

Today, I heard someone yell You fucking wanker! at someone else.

It was obviously meant to be an insult because they were arguing.

But it's not, isn't it?

I mean, wanking (go google if you don't know. no. wait. NO! don't google! stop! it means masturbating. you can google that. just don't google wanking. okay?) is actually considered a normal human interaction (with oneself) and it is quite widely practiced. There were even reports of it being discussed in INTEC. With a lecturer. And honestly, if someone were to tell you that he / she masturbates, would you stop shaking hands with them? So my point is, being called a wanker is not really insulting at all. If you masturbate, and someone calls you a wanker, it's true! If you don't, and someone calls you a wanker, then they think you have a healthy sex drive!

Even if you find wanker offensive, being called a fucking wanker should make things better, right? I mean, if you think wanking is demeaning, then you should have no problems with people thinking you are having sex, right? That means you graduated from pleasuring yourself to finding someone to be pleasured with you. Now that is a definite improvement! Who doesn't want to have sex? Basic human want and part of God's survival strategy for humans. Nothing wrong there.

So basically, the guy who said fucking wanker phailed. Epically. But then I started thinking about other phails..

Try motherfucking faggot. It's like a frickin paradox. A faggot is a guy who does guys. And, like wanker, it's quite normal to be gay. No one will lynch you or anything. In fact, you might become a chick magnet (but sadly, not attracted to them). But if you intend to irritate a guy by calling him a faggot, wouldn't you be confusing the poor fella? First you say he fucks mothers, then you say he is gay. Mana satu?

Another rather normal-but-still-epic phail is calling your brother a sonofabitch. In front of your mother. And your father. In an ideal world, your dad will start wondering if there was any grain of truth in your claim and will look at your mum accusingly. And if your mum is not a bitch, she will try harder to look loyal and wifely like she really is. Or, if she IS one, she'll get overly defensive and your parents will have a lovely fight. And you will be forgotten and forgiven amidst the mess. But since this is not an ideal world, the outcome is normally disadvantageous to the sibling of the sonofabitch.

The Hokkien hobby of chucking genitalia all over the place is also a fertile ground for phails.

You cheebye la you! might be offensive to a guy, but if you say it to a girl? Nothing wrong what? Ah. Unless you add chou in front. Then it might work. Same goes with lan jiao. So when you want to randomly throw a genital at someone, check to make sure their gender.

And sometimes, I get IMs from friends saying I feel damn tulan today. Figuratively, it means they've had a bad day. But how the hell do we know that pig's joysticks are not, well, JOYsticks? For all we know, they copulate twelve times a day. And I've heard of a study that says pigs have 30-minute orgasms but I doubt the authenticity. Proper use of tulan is as thus: You blind ah? Your boyfriend's face is so tulan! Which says quite a lot about his face and even more about she who finds the face attractive. After all, bestiality ain't really mainstream. The best part is, this can be applied to girlfriends too :) But don't for heaven's sake go the extra mile and say Your boyfriend's lan is so tulan. It will raise a lot of questions.

So. Swearing isn't as simple as I thought it was. Gotta choose the correct words at the correct time at the correct place at the correct person. Phew! But sometimes, cobbling together random words can bring out precious gems.

Like when a brother is bugging you and you want him to go away. Khi chi ciao la! Which means Go feed the birds. Can also mean Go grow your joystick. Ahah. Stab the adolescent male right where it hurts :)